Love is a funny thing. There are so many different types of love. I have experienced many different types for many different people. There’s the love I have for my parents, the love I have for my brother, the love I have for my cousins and my neighbours children, the love I have for my pets and the animals that I care for, the love I have for my friends. And thenthere’s the love I have for Hayden*, which is a tiny bit more complicated.
Now I’ve known that I’ve loved Hayden for quite a while now, however it wasn’t until recently, sat in the kitchen at my friend’s house over a cup of tea that I uttered the sentence, “Oh shit, I think I’m in love.” To which my friend looked at me and replied, “It took you long enough.” Now I think a part of me has known for a while, however I was just reluctant to make that jump from simply loving them to being in love with them because that makes life so much more complicated, especially when I know that an actual relationship with Hayden is pretty much impossible.
I’m not exactly sure when it happened, and a part of me is still hoping that it’s just immature puppy love and I’ll get over it pretty quickly. It was somewhere in between late night phone calls with a reluctance to say goodnight, affectionate pet names exchanged easily, inside jokes that no one else would quite understand and getting told of by them for scaring them to death after doing something foolish. I think it’s hard not to love someone who makes you feel so alive, who sees the parts of your personality that you hate and tells you that they think they’re cute instead, who rings you at 4 in the morning completely sober to check that you’re okay because the last drunken text you sent them made them worry, who you end up cuddling with and they make you feel so safe and protected you never want to move.
I think that for me the moment that I actually thought that I may just be in love with Hayden was sat with my friend and saying that it didn’t matter to me if me and Hayden were only ever just friends, just so long as they were happy and I could still have them in my life in some way.
I don’t quite feel like the story between me and Hayden is completely over just yet, it may not end up the way I quite want. It may be a story of friendship instead of romance, but in my gut I feel like there are many, many more pages still to be written and if I’ve learnt anything then it’s that when it comes to Hayden my gut is very rarely wrong.
*Names have been changed