I don’t really believe in making New Year’s resolutions as they never seem to last. We start the year with good intentions, then by February we’ve broken them and are still exactly the same as we were. That being said this year I’ve made two resolutions and a bet. Both my resolutions are ones that I’ve made in some form over the past few years. The first of which is to post more regularly on my blog, and this year I’m aiming for weekly, so I guess 2 out of 2 isn’t too bad. The bet was with my friend over who could end the year the fitter, which honestly is the only way to make me do anything, make it a competition and I just can’t resist. What can I say. I love winning.
My second resolution is a bit more complex, and was made exactly one day into the new year. It’s a resolution that I’ve made far too many times over the past few years to count, but this time I’m determined to stick to it. The short version is simply to get my shit together, and sort myself out. The long version is a bit more complicated, and involves a lot of small changes, some big changes, a self-help book about how to live more like a cat (i.e. to not give a damn about anything but your own happiness. P.s. thank you to the friend who bought me this, you know me well), and hopefully some therapy thrown into the mix as well. To be fair I usually fail in this endeavour pretty early on, usually because I always seem to end up falling back into the same cycles, and repeating the same patterns of behaviour over and over again. Most of the time I don’t even realise I’m doing it until I end up screwed up six ways till Sunday, and not in the fun way.
I want to say that I was getting better before my Dad died, but I’m not too sure I was, I think I was just a lot better at masking what was going on instead. I’ve definitely got a lot worse since my Dad died, but I was happy pretending I was fine. For me New Year’s Day was that final kick up the arse. That bucket of icy water to the face which makes you realise you have to break this cycle you’ve ended up stuck in before you end up any worse off. But realising you have to change and actually enacting that change? I knew it was going to be hard, but less than a week in I realised that it was probably going to be harder than I thought.
At the moment one of my biggest issues is in how I deal with my emotions. Or more accurately, how I don’t deal with them. I’m very good at deciding if I don’t like an emotion, or I don’t feel like I should be feeling a specific emotion I’ll avoid it. Lock it into a box so I don’t have to handle it. Push it down to ‘deal with it later.’ Unfortunately, later is usually after several vodka and coke’s when I’m no longer in full control of my emotions and I’m on a wild rollercoaster of intense highs and lows. It’s really no fun for anyone. One of my biggest red flags was when I was debating getting drunk just as a way to feel all these emotions. In that moment I also swore that I’d never use alcohol in that way, or in all honesty I’d probably end up the same way as my Dad.
Thus, one of the biggest aspects of my resolution is to actually acknowledge my emotions. Accept the way that I feel at a specific moment in time, even if it’s not the way I think I should feel. By accepting my emotions, and actually dealing with them I can actually move on, and the same emotions are far less likely to keep resurfacing. However, whilst it sounds easy on paper, it’s not quite so easy in practice. Actually dealing with emotions is hard, and not always pretty, and unfortunately for me they always seem to end up bubbling up at the most inopportune moments. I feel like I need to apologise to/forewarn all my good friends, family, and those I see most days. These next few months aren’t going to be easy, my emotions are all over the place, and I’m not even sure how to handle or deal with them myself. It’s gonna take a lot of figuring out, mistakes, setbacks, and hurdles. But also, breakthroughs, triumphs, and highs.
I’m incredibly lucky that I have an amazing group of friends around me that are there for me no matter what. They remind me that I’m stronger than I think I am, and that I can do this. They’re not afraid to give me the honest truth at times, but I also know that they always want the best for me, and they encourage me to work out what’s actually the best decision for myself. They remind me of just how much I’m worth, even if sometimes I don‘t always see it for myself. In afct there’s a quote I try to remember whenever I’m feeling shitty about myself that comes from Doctor Who and it goes something like this:
The Doctor: [Pointing to frozen Abigail Pettigrew] Who’s she?
Kazran Sardick: Nobody important.
The Doctor: Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. You know that in nine hundred years of time and space and I’ve never met anybody who wasn’t important before.
That quote forever reminds me that everyone is important, and everyone has worth, even if we don’t see our own sometimes. Roll on the next few months, I’m gonna make it out of this better than ever. In the meantime, I just promise to cool it on the drunk texting.