This week has been a funny old week. It’s been one of those where loads of stuff seems to have happened, and yet at the same time nothing seems to have happened at all. It’s been one of those weeks where I’ve done a lot of thinking, spent a lot of time in self-reflection, and generally just trying to work out where I’m at mentally and emotionally. It happens from time to time, usually when I don’t have much going on physically so I end up alone with my own thoughts.
Two events this week have sparked my deep meaningful introspection. The first of these was Valentine’s Day. Now as a whole I don’t really get the whole appeal of the holiday (and I’m not just saying that because I’m very very single right now). I’ve always thought that whilst flowers, chocolates, and grand gestures are great, they’re far more meaningful when we’re not told to do it. It’s not even that I’m against romance, I’m all for that cheesy, sappy crap (a fact I usually try to hide, badly), but to me Valentine’s Day just feels a little bit forced.
However, whole rant about the commercialisation of Valentine’s Day aside, that’s not the bit that sent me into a whole tailspin of self-reflection. This year is the first year where I’ve been single for Valentine’s Day and felt okay about that fact. It might not sound like such a big deal, but I had a tendency to go looking for relationships. I sought validation of my own worth based on whether or not people were into me. Unhealthy, I know. Blame it on all those “girl meets boy and suddenly her life is wonderful” movies I watched growing up, blame it on my own issues, or maybe in the words of Martin Garrix and Dua Lipa I was just scared to be lonely.
My point is recently I’ve been feeling like I’m in a much better place. I’m actually pretty damn content being on my own. I no longer feel the need for constant attention, in fact some of the time I’ve almost wanted people to leave me alone just a little bit. I’m enjoying doing things on my own, spending time working on my projects, doing things at my own speed. I’m starting to figure out exactly who I am as a person, and what my worth is, without needing that affirmation from other people.
Right now the idea of actually being in a relationship sucks. I just want to be a little bit selfish, to focus on me, on my own wants and needs, and to do things solely for myself. The only time I’ve even thought about wanting someone in my life was a few nights ago when I’d been outside in my bare feet late at night and thought it’d be great if I had someone else to stick my really cold feet up against to make them shriek. Maybe that means I probably shouldn’t date right now. I’d be an awful girlfriend.
The second thing that set me off on a journey of self-discovery was Pancake Day. Well, not actually Pancake Day itself, that bit was great. Eating sweet, sugary breakfast food for tea still makes me as happy as it did when I was 8. The bit that got me thinking was what comes after Pancake Day. Lent. I’m not really a religious person, but I was brought up Christian, and old habits die hard, so I still ended up thinking about what I’m giving up for lent.
Honestly? I hate giving stuff up. It sucks. Though that is kind of the point of lent isn’t it? Oh well. As I’ve said, not really religious. So this year instead of giving stuff up I’ve decided to add things into my life instead. At the beginning of the year I started something about writing things out that make us feel good and so for lent I’ve decided to build on this. I’m gonna try adding in more positivity and taking more time to work on my own physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Oh God, I’m starting to sound like one of those inspirational lifestyle bloggers. Oh well. Maybe I’ll buy one of those gratitude journals that everyone keeps going on about at the moment. I mean it can’t hurt right?