Who I am compared to with who other people think I am is a subject that interests me a lot, possibly because I suffered with social anxiety for a long time and so spent a long time obsessing about what other people thought of me. I’m a lot better now at not obsessing so much about what others think, but I do occasionally think it would be fascinating to see myself through other people’s eyes and see how they see me.
There was an interesting post doing the rounds on Facebook earlier this week on this very subject. It was something along the lines of who we think of as ‘ourselves’ only exists within our own heads, as every other person you meet has different opinions on you. Those opinions are formed by the interactions those people have had with you, whether good or bad.
The opinion my brother holds of me is probably different to my mothers, and these opinions will be different to my friend’s opinions, my co-worker’s opinions, and the opinions of people I’ve met at conventions. Simply because all these people have seen different sides to me, whether intentional or not.
I always think it would be interesting to see myself through other people’s eyes. I wonder if I could see how other people view my actions if I’d change some of the things that I do, if there are things that I say or do that other people find really annoying. Would being able to see my actions through other people’s eyes change them in any way?
I also think that if I could see myself through other people’s eyes I might be kinder to myself. I know that I can be quite harsh on myself from time to time, or rather a lot of the time. Despite all my bravado my self-esteem is pretty low, and I tend to lack self-confidence, though that is something I’m working on.
I’m slowly getting better at appreciating my own worth, and despite the fact that I share my writing because I want people to enjoy what I’ve written it still makes me feel uncomfortable when people actually tell me they enjoy what I’ve written. Though that’s possibly because I’m a perfectionist and I’m never satisfied with my own work.
So, who do I know I am? I’m a 22-year-old, with little direction in life currently. I’m trying to work out who I am, what I want from life, what I want to do for a career. I’m obsessed with The 100, iZombie, Shadowhunters, and Wynonna Earp (at the moment at least). I want to travel the world, to see what’s out there, and to work with animals and/or kids whilst I’m travelling. I’m also slightly obsessed with horses and birds.
I have dyspraxia, which stresses me out from time to time, especially on bad days. I suffer from both depression and social anxiety, which have actually both been really really good recently, which I’m over the moon about. I have a tendency to think without speaking from time to time, and sometimes even if I mean something with the best of intentions it doesn’t always come off that way. My confidence is very much a ‘Fake it til you make it’ kind of thing at the minute, and some days it’s easier than others.
I love writing, even though I often find it difficult to do, and usually I don’t think what I write is that great. I have a tendency to be a disorganised mess, and half the time I think I’d forget my own head if it wasn’t screwed on. I hate buttons and laces, even though I like to wear a lot of button up shirts. I’m not as slim, as fit, or as strong as I’d like to be, and according to the doctors BMI charts I’m technically obese (however those things are also pretty inaccurate). But I’m also pretty happy with my body, and in the right light or at the correct angle I’m fairly happy with my looks.
Who other people think I am? Well that’s a very interesting question. I think it depends on who that person is, there are a lot of people that think I’m outgoing, that I’m brave, that I’m fearless. There are people that probably think I’m a bit full of myself, that I’m a brat, that I have a tendency to be immature (honestly if they did I wouldn’t blame them, I think that about myself a lot).
There’s probably a lot of people that think I’m pretty annoying, though that may also be my social anxiety talking, I tend to spend a lot of time thinking that other people think I’m annoying as hell. It probably doesn’t help that when I’m nervous I tend to talk too much to overcompensate for my anxiety.
Honestly though, I don’t really know who other people think I am. Maybe who I actually am is a combination between who I think I am, and who all the other people I’ve ever met think I am. And maybe I should be a little bit kinder to myself and to others.