This week I really couldn’t think of anything to write for my blog, and more importantly I had very little motivation to write at all. I spent a while just staring at a blank piece of paper getting more and more frustrated until it hit me. I could write about the fact that I currently have no motivation to write, or more importantly the reason why I had so little motivation or energy in the first place.
The reason for my whole lack of motivation, or even ability to focus on anything long enough to get anything decent written can be summed up in one word. Depression. Ironically enough my latest depressive episode managed to hit right in the middle of Mental Health Awareness week. Whilst depression is possibly one of the more common mental health issues, and certainly is one that is talked about a lot, talking about my own issues with depression is something that I tend to struggle with.
I’m not sure exactly how long I’ve had depression for, especially when it tends to come in waves that last from days to months, but it’s something that has been going on for at least a year. Whilst this particular episode isn’t as bad as some have been, my current mental state is definitely worse than it has been for the past few months.
Everyone’s experience of depression is different. For me the biggest issues I have are a complete lack of motivation and enthusiasm for anything, being tired all the time even if I’m sleeping a lot, and withdrawing from my friends. It also makes it very hard for me to plan anything that’s happening in the future.
The worst part for me personally is the complete lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I end up not wanting to do anything that I love, just the other day I actually had to force myself to go see the horse I have on loan even though I love spending time with him. It also makes it very difficult for me to write, which sucks when I’m trying to be an aspiring writer/blogger.
It also really doesn’t help at all when I know I have so many different things to do and have no motivation to do any of them. I just end up feeling bad that I have so much stuff to do, and worse because I know I’m not doing any of it. It also makes me feel bad when I say I’m excited for something, like going to see Taylor Swift or going to a convention, because although I know the words I’m saying are true I don’t feel very excited at all. It feels like someone has gone through and turned all my emotions right down.
There are things however that do help me. Having a job really helps, just because it means that I have to actually get out of bed, shower, and leave the house to actually be somewhere. It also helps me to stay in a consistent routine, which is very good as it means that I don’t lose track of my days.
Another thing that really helps is going horse riding, just being outside and doing exercise makes me feel so much better. Plus, there’s a ton of research into the mental health benefits of horses, it’s why they’re used so often in therapy. Having my horse on loan helps even more as it means that I have a commitment, I have to go see him, even if I have no motivation. As a bonus, he has the sweetest face, and he’s so chilled. It’s great.
Sometimes though, the biggest help is to know that it’s okay to not be okay, to be a little kinder on myself when I am going through a rough patch, and to know that it does get better.