Dear Dad (It’s Been 2 Years)

Dear Dad,

It’s actually been 2 years and a day if you want to get really specific, though for a while I was having a moment where I couldn’t actually remember which date exactly it was. I knew it was early November, between Halloween and Bonfire Night, but I couldn’t remember the exact day. All the dates around that time are a little bit fuzzy.

For example, I remember your funeral. I know that it happened. I know that I gave a speech. I know that I cried even though I swore to myself that I wouldn’t, that I was going to keep it together in front of all those people. I just don’t know when it was. It’s strange the things that you remember and things you don’t. Some things are in crystal clarity, others are just fuzzy blurs. I think I remember feelings more than I do the actual events, which is interesting given how much I’ve tried to supress them.

Honestly, I probably need to start working on that one. I’ll be fine for absolutely ages and then I’ll have a complete meltdown because Mum washed your bedsheets. Though in my defence of that incident I was very drunk, like already drunkenly proposed to a girl or four drunk. But that’s a story for another day. You’d probably get quite the kick out of it actually.

Then again, it would probably also help if I was a bit more honest with my counsellor when I went. I just hate talking about my feelings, it makes me feel all open and exposed, like all the delicate, squishy, vital parts inside of me are there right for all to see, to touch, to hurt. When I go back I’ll make more of an effort, but I’m not sure when that’ll be. See the way it works is you have 12 sessions, and then you have to wait three months until you can have any more.

Time is weird at the minute. It seems like it’s been forever since you died, this year especially. But it also feels like no time at all. The first few months just flew by, but recently time has developed a habit of dragging, even though there never seems to be enough of it. I don’t think it is dragging, I think it’s just that I’m so busy and I’ve been doing so much stuff that it feels like more time should have passed than has actually happened.

I feel like it’s been forever since this time last year, and so much has changed as well. I have my new job, well the one at the museum that I’ve been at for a little while now, but I’m enjoying it so far. I have a load of new friends from various fandoms, it’s nice having those guys, I know that they accept the weird part of me.

I’ve also been to a load of conventions, and I have a load more already booked for next year. And I’ve been to a few concerts as well and done a load of travelling. It’s definitely been a weird one. I’m finally pretty much moved in to your old house as well. It’s only taken almost two years, and it’s still a work in progress, but it is my own space. Plus I really like having the garden.

I think that’s all there is to update you on for now. Plus I went to speak to yesterday for the first time. Told you all the important stuff I didn’t want to write to you about on here. At first it was weird, but then I got used to it. I did manage to freak myself out in the woods though. Oops. Stupid over active imagination.

Anyway. I’ll speak to you again soon.

Love,

Sophie x


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